I lost them. I lost me. I found me!

Get comfy with your beverage of choice, because today is heavy. Today, grief is on my heart, and I've been through plenty of it. I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 14 years old. I didn't know what grief was or how to handle it, and I had nobody around to help me.

Today, I want to help you. Grief isn't always about losing a loved one, but it is always a loss. A loss of a relationship, a loss of love, a loss of something you used to have. We all go through the 5 stages of grief in different ways and along with that, we lose a version of ourselves too.

Heal with me today. Honor the you that you used to be and honor the grieving process, however you need it to look.

Transcript

Patrice B: 0:43

Welcome to Tacos, tequila therapy and the Tea with your girl. Patrice Be the podcast will be take the shots, tell the truth, and we are doing the damn work. But today, you guys, before I even dive in, um, I just wanna give a gentle content warning that today's episode will be touching on grief death. Of relationships and loss of old versions of ourselves. So if you are in a tender space, please take care of yourself as you listen, because the reality is, is that grief isn't always about death. It's also losing people that we love. The end of relationships and parts of ourselves, we had to let go. I really get into this podcast really, what is grief? And I feel like grief has many faces. I mean, the main thing that we think about is death. A side note that today's podcast is definitely coming with that Greg Gru and Cranberry on the pink side. Definitely not the red. This is a heavy one for me, but like we were saying before, it doesn't always just appear in death. It shows up in quiet endings, breakups, walking away from a jog or realizing shit that you just, not the same person that you once were. Know that it is not failure. It's a part of love and growth. I've experienced all three from the loss of my mom, heartbreaks of relationships ending and grieving. Oh, diversions of myself along the way. Our main focus sometimes is just death, and there's always something changing, something ending and something beginning. Losing my mom at 14 was definitely just like a heartbreaking moment, and it was, ooh. It was swift. Even though she was sick, she had cancer. As we are approaching breast cancer awareness month, Her second time around, she was presented with six months to live, even though she's last longer than six months. I, she wa lasted way longer than six months. Probably found out maybe when I was like 12, 13, that her time was coming. So imagine that she was not even gone before my grief had started because you already know that there's an ending coming and there were probably waves of, you know, from the anger, the sadness, woulda, coulda, shoulda. All of those things happened when I lost my mom, and I just realized in this. 2025, early 2025 that I never was really given a chance to grieve. Life had to go on very quickly, like my mom had a birthday, she died, and within a month I was in a new country living with a whole completely different life, living in Germany. Waking up, like waking up. Where the hell am I? What am I doing? What is going on in my life? What time is it? How come I just can't pick up the phone and call people that I once knew? I'm not even seeing people that I once knew a whole new environment, everything. And so grief looks so different and we think those five stages, just happened. So. Linear, right? They change, but it was all over the place. And then leaving Germany and coming back home, coming back to the states and making some real grownup decisions.'cause I was 14. To stay with friends other than staying with family. So being. Essentially homeless. I was sleeping on floors and sofas, but amongst people that I knew until I graduated high school. So everything that I once knew before the age of 14 was completely different, and it happened swiftly. I still feel my mom's presence with me. I'm still so connected to her. Like anyone who knows me knows I ain't stealing shit.'cause my mother would probably come down from heaven and snatch my little but up or snatch my edges or something. I really think she probably would get my edges because that probably would bother me the most. Right. and get me, because that woman is absolutely amazing. But I still think she would get me. But that was something that she just really didn't like in people, thieves and liars. Right. And so I've always just try to be my authentic self, losing my mom was a major crash to the system. And then I realized that I have lost important people in my life every decade of my life, where you have some people who have never really experienced grief in terms of death, right? And other ways. So when death hits, it hits them hard. They're like, what in the world? Life happens, and some people experience it very young. It doesn't matter when you experience it, it is still hard. I'm gonna tell you, I love Ms. Joyce Brown. That is my lady. It is my favorite lady, amazing woman who persevered her and her time was very resilient. The way she would still show up even when she was sick, man is admir. Very, very admirable, but along with just losing people in my life in terms of death, grandmother, aunts, sisters, great nephew, pretty heavy. It's also the grief of loss of relationships. Those ones that you thought would last or you've been in for a while, we are going to, you know, make the home stretch or whatever that home stretch was going to be. Right? Was it going to be marriage or that it would just last for a while and then they don't and they end. You have people now who are older and their friendships, best friends of 20 plus years. Things look different. And then you, you know, you just, sometimes you have those relationships too, where you might have stayed too long and it should have ended, but when they end before you feel like it should be, you're ready to end it. It's kind of a jolt to the system when it's a surprise and it feels like rejection. When those relationships end, or like say somebody cheated on you or mistreated you, and they come as a surprise. and then you have some of those relationships that were so good that it is like they didn't have the in intent to hurt you, but they did, or vice versa. You may have done that and you're grieving and you are healing or in the not knowing of yourself. Everything is still a transition and a lesson in every connection that we make and every loss that we have. It is still a lesson to be had there. cause every loss, I learned something about self. Of self. Mm. Yeah, you do. There are definitely lessons. You learn a lesson and loss, but you definitely learn the lessons and the loss of self and so I'm still grieving the parts that I thought I would, could and should be. The old things that needed to die off what I thought was working, being a fixer.'cause I got a habit of, damn, I wanna fix something because that's what I know how to do. Or just being in survival mode is a new thing that I'm finding that I'm having to lose. Because the survival mode in me has kept me for so long. Like at this point it's 30 plus years. We career. I'm a career survivor out here, and so having that mindset of always feeling like you need to survive, but I'm really in a place of thriving, of knowing myself, loving myself, you know, the roof over my head is mine. Having to remind myself often that I don't have to be in survival mode. That doesn't have to be the way that I think or the way that I move, but I've been in it for so long. Losing that feels scary because survival mode is my safe space because I got me. Didn't matter if you lost a person, you, you didn't have a home. I always had me, but no one, I still got me, but I'm having to grieve those old versions of myself that just aren't fitting. But I am honoring the old Patrice, the younger Patrice, the survival Patrice. So that I can appreciate who I am today. They've taught me to be this amazing woman, and some of y'all may not think that I'm that amazing, but I'm amazing as shit. Just so you know. I do believe this to get to where I am today. Whoa. And my hand at the Spades game of cards. Wasn't the most ideal, but what I did with them possibilities I had possible. I was taking my fuckers out'cause I was going to survive. I would have six. And impossible. And impossible. Always got me through. It would surprise me all the time. But when we talk about those stages of grief, it doesn't always come the same way. Just how it's put out. The stages can overlap. Repeat, come back again. Reverse to the side, but how they showed up for me. Right. Stage one in grief is denial and just not believing that it was real, the loss of my mother, or that the relationship was ending, wanting to talk to my mom or wanting to stay in a relationship. I mean, convincing myself that the relationship could be fixed, pretending that I could stay in survival mode and it'll be okay when you're thriving. Try not hold onto those old versions. Can't do it. Let's think about two anger. Now, anger for me probably showed up in that penitentiary Patty. You know, we talked about those poor people I have on the inside that I'm aware of my energy, but was just mad. Mad that things had to change. Mad that it ended and just mad at myself. What in the world could I have done differently? I gave it my all. It still ended. I tried to help my mom as much as I could with her medications and everything, but she was still in pain, and I would have these moments of anger. I don't think some people always knew, but I, it's kind of spicy. Oh, part of it is that I'm a Scorpio, but I am still spicy, when I'm angry because I just didn't know how to navigate this space that I was in. And a lot of the grief started at a teenager where I'm still figuring out life period where I could have had guidance and someone teaching me or. Exposing me to things. I was figuring it out on my own bargaining with myself, but number three of I was like, Ooh, I'm a negotiator. It was the what if, what if I was there the day that she passed? What if I did, I picked up the phone. Would she still be here? What if I worked harder in this relationship or that job when you're already putting in or trying to put in 110% showing up, being there. Making excuses and lowering your boundaries. have any of you had that moment you're bargaining your boundaries? Like, oh, it's not that bad. Uh, I could. Do this over here and I'm sure it's going to come back. Just be out here gambling with your life. Parlaying like, Ooh, if I put up this 20, I'm gonna get 2,500. What we gonna do? And things don't really make sense. Yeah know I got some crazy analogy for something and how it works in my mind. But we do be out here bargaining. Bargaining our boundaries. Depression. Depression just looks different in different people. You have some that are sad, some like me that you probably wouldn't ever know was depressed. I was the captain of the cheerleading squad in high school. I had the most school spirited. I won that in my 12th grade year for having the most school spirit, and every day I was trying to figure out my life. My book bag was full of clothes, but yet every day I showed up with a smile on my face and no one would even know that. In high school I always worked really hard. I got into Morgan State on my own, going to school for computer science. Mm, all while depressed. Still trying to figure out life and what just happened because four years went by with a blink of an eye, and now I'm in a whole new environment and a whole new space living out of a bag. What am I doing? But some people look like their depression. Looks like today I can't clean the house. Some people have the tears. Withdrawing moments of questioning my love and my worth. In love of just mourning the old me who had to be released. You have people now who are a certain age and it's mourning who you were. I see it all the time in a salon where my hair used to be so much thicker. I can see depression in women's eyes in the mirror when I turn them around. Doesn't matter how beautiful their hair looks, they're remembering the version of where they used to be. And I get to see, I see grief every day in the salon in different ways. From losing someone that they love, the ending of relationships and them realizing that themselves are changing. They are changing. And then you get to the point of acceptance, the grief looks different. Where I used to think about what if woulda, coulda, shoulda. With my mom, I'm just realizing that, hey, it happened. I got a chance to have an amazing experience with her, not for a long time, but it still was amazing and I could see the positives in the grief acceptance and realizing that the damn relationship was not for me, and that's okay. Definitely honoring the old me while fully stepping into the woman that I'm becoming because it's still more to come. Y'all know it, but as we move grief. What about some things that just help us get through it, right? Naming it. What did you really lose? Saying it out loud about what you've actually lost? Is it self, the loss of love? Of a loved one. Name it. Clean it. Allow it to be. Give yourself permission to grieve how you are going to grieve. Is it to cry, scream, laugh, or just sit your ass in silence and it's okay. It is really okay because that's your way. Take your moments. I didn't realize that I did not have a moment or was given a moment to grieve, to really allow it to be. I was 14 years old and no one ever asked me if I was okay. I wasn't asked if I was okay. I wasn't asked if I need help. I just continued along the way and however it my grief showed up, it showed up. And at that time, being younger, I may not have realized all the things that I had done that was, you know, that I was going through with grieving. But as I grew. And experienced more grief and experienced different things. I gave myself permission to just be if I needed to cry, to sit in silence, and have my moment, take my moments when needed, because I mean, it still hits me. My mother's birthday is January 12th. She died on January 20th. They're very close together. So I take those moments on those days when I miss my favorite lady. But while you're naming it and giving yourself space to grieve, ritualize it, write a letter. I love writing letters, especially in your journal. Sometimes you need to write'em to yourself. Or write'em to the person that you miss. Sharing your thoughts, getting it outta your head. I mean, light a candle, have a playlist that helps you release. But just having those moments of sitting in it, accepting it, and realizing that it is still a loss. Thoughts out your head in that moment.'cause more are coming later. So get the first thoughts out that are in your head at that moment, and just try anchoring yourself, grounding, breathing when you have to. I felt like I was holding my breath for years, just not breathing.'cause I was just so tense. I found myself just holding my breath like, what's going to happen next? I've done it in relationships. Like, is this the end? What's happening? Especially when I became uncomfortable. Try breathing in for four. Holding it for four, breathing out for six. You feel anxious, you don't know what to do. Take your moments and breathe. Place your hand on your heart and remind yourself that I see you. I see you grief, and I still sit with you, but I ain't gonna drown in this. Because even with grief, we have to still continue to go on. But growth often means we really have to let go and we definitely have to. Let go and mourn the women or men that we used to be, that innocent version of you, the habits you once had, even those mistakes you have made.'cause we all make them that saying of nobody's perfect, I'm not perfect. Like, why the hell do we even need to say it? This is my A DHD moment. Why the hell do we even need to say it?'cause we already know that we're not Who the hell thinks that they are? I felt like that's a statement that we don't even need to fucking say in relationships or I ain't nobody perfect. I ain't nobody fucking say that. You were sound like a trauma response thing. We gonna come on by. I'm have to take a sip on that. It's the truth. Why do we have to. Why do we need to say it? I don't even need to be a disclaimer, but grief is natural. It's okay to feel sad when you are not feeling yourself or you are changing, and we're not who we once were. It's okay to feel sad when you're letting go the old person and you're trying to get to the new you, the new you in the now, because there's still some parts that are still you, but it's the new you in the now. Every version of you that happened before the now got you here, and every version that got you here is worthy of love. Believe that. Every past. Mistake, failure, weight gain, weight loss, eyelash loss. Okay? It got you to the person of where you are today, and you are amazing in the now. I hope you know that. I really want you guys to know that grief is not always about death. It's a part, but not always. Quitting and letting go is not failure. Sometimes it's a graduation to the next version. Of life of you or the next relationship. Remember that those damn five stages of grief that we all experience, how we experience them, it doesn't come in that linear fashion. You're not gonna go from denial in order. It won't happen in order, but it can come however it comes. Going back in and out, back and forth with it is a normal feeling. You may have been mad, but you go back to anger. You got this. I want you to remember that fear will keep you stuck, but faith moves us forward. Please put that in your pocket. Don't let fear keep you stuck and have faith in you that you can move forward and that you got this one of my new affirmations in this season. Is that I honor my grief without shame. Another one is that I can hold endings and beginnings together, but the one that has been most impactful for me. Is that I allow myself to let go so I can grow because growth had to happen. We have to experience things to grow and everything is not gonna come with sunshines and rainbows, but there's sunshine and rainbows in the end, always. Y'all know I appreciate you. Thank you so much for sharing your time and energy with me today. And I know grief is heavy as hell, but I don't have to carry it alone. You are not by yourself. Just like your I quit affirmations. Share your stories. Talk about it. What are you grieving? Send it to me. I would love to hear how you have persevered and came through on the other side. Sometimes we just have to hold space for each other so that we can grow and heal, and I love that because that's what I do in the salon. I do it at my friendships. It's a part of life. I leave that space for us to grow and heal, but also grieve. But as always, y'all get your tea, get your goose, get your tequila. If you are a he drinker, I understand that this one is heavy. Get what you get, but make sure you take care of yourself. And until next time. Sip that tequila spill the truth and do the damn work. She is my babies.